Baseball Daily Media Experts League manager Doug Glanville knows he cannot do the job alone, so in anticipation of the start of the 2016 season, he has announced his coaching staff. "These hires have been well thought out. So much so that we waited until Opening Day. They have had absolutely no time to prepare. But I have full confidence in them because the trait I was universally looking for, was spontaneity."
Clearly, Glanville was thinking outside the box as no one on his staff has any formal baseball experience. They range from cartoon characters to popular pets. "In today’s world, we must be inclusive, but more importantly, I want a staff I can totally control, because 50% of them do not know where first base is."
So here are the hires. Brace yourself.
Bench Coach: Ragnar Lothbrok – The famed Viking explorer as featured on History Channel’s "Vikings" will hold down the bench-coaching duties. "A bench coach must have your back, completely. And who else has you back than someone who has adeptly invaded kingdoms worldwide with an axe, a boat, a team of inspired followers and a passion for exploration. I expect him to wear full armor during games, no helmet."
Pitching Coach: Grumpy Cat – The serious and lovable cat-skeptic. "Grumpy Cat was my first hire because I had no doubts about her. I was totally sure after I saw her waltz out to the mound, cough up a fur ball and tell the pitcher "Blindfolded, I could throw more strikes than you with this as the ball."
Third Base Coach: Beaker – The lab-friendly Muppet was a manager in the past under Glanville’s leadership. "This is quite simple. He is a complete "No" man. He rejects conventional wisdom, he doubts the people who are in charge. He says "no" as a matter of course. I fully expect all of my base runners to totally ignore him when coming around third base, but looking at him is so striking, that I expect runners to go that much faster."
First Base Coach: Princess Tiana – "I do work for Disney, so they required me one hire. But I would have hired her anyway. For starters, a first base coach’s job is to calm the runner, impart wisdom, and dream of reaching home. In Princess and the Frog, this is Tiana’s story, but more importantly, she can flat out sing and I think she will inspire and teach through musicality and a passion for dreaming."
Chief Analytics Officer: Garrett Reisman (SpaceX) – Reisman has been in space, he has cruised around on the International Space Station and spoken to Stephen Colbert. Now he smooths over projects for SpaceX. "I recently found out that he overheard some braggart talking about a legal case he had won. Reisman yawned and then told the guy, ‘Yeah, well we just landed a rocket from space on a boat.’ "That is what I want from my staff. To be totally unimpressed with everyone except their teammates who share our mission to win."
Glanville expects to make more hires in the coming months.
To follow the Baseball Daily Media Experts League, click here.